Wednesday, 31 August 2011


 When my children are grown and my hands are wrinkled and smattered with sun patches, what will matter? What is it that I'm leaving behind? Right now, even now, I'm leaving a mark on this vapor of a life that has been given to me.  It is easy to feel like to make a difference, to really have any sort of a legacy that you must be doing something. I often ask myself, "What am I doing?"

 Here's the answer for today, 26 Aug, 2011: wake after an ENTIRE nights sleep (the first Gideon's slept through..yaaahhhooooo), corral these 4, eat...something (pretty sure it was Nutella and toast), scurry out the door for an appointment at the housing office (jealous aren't you?), come home and try not to freak out because our preinspection is next Friday (ick!), clean...and clean some more (all those places you clean only once a season), clean up a mess on the carpet which involved a diaperless baby...oops, clean the baby in the tub and then the tub, morning chores for the kids, find something else to feed the kids (peanut butter on a tortilla, oh and an apple), help Justin unclog the toilet (this is going my top 5 most gross list of motherhood), wrangle #3 into napping, put down #2, try to read and understand 1 John, kids play outside and I clean some more, drop Jordynn off at a friend's house to sleep over, run to my very favorite place...the commissary (the grocery store to you non-military peeps), schlep them all home again, clean up, put the groceries and entertain Hunter and his friends, make hamburgers, and chocolate chip cookes (of course!), eat and catch up with one ever-so tired husband, no wonder the upstairs smelled like vinegar (it got spilled)...clean that up too, watch a movie...and maybe another one (it's Friday, ok?!), boys..sweet boys snoring on the couch while I check e-mail and other blogs I love, feel convicted about freaking out a little because what trials do I REALLY have...and now I'm here typing and wondering and praying because this does not seem like important business or at least it doesn't look like it.

Looks can be decieving.

 I seem to remember a man from Nazereth who wasn't much to look at and to the shock of just about everyone on earth, turned out to be the most important man in history.

Isn't it easy to forsake the important things because they don't seem or look important in our own self centered eyes?

Isn't it easy to think that we're not doing anything really worthwhile and buy into the lie that you have to be finding a cure for AIDS, or working at the homeless shelter, or selling insurance for that matter to be making a difference. That same lie that says to be serving others outside my home is somehow more honerable than to be serving my husband and family within our home.

The Savior of the world says that he didn't come to be served, but to serve and the American dream says to get, have, aquire, Oh, and I deserve it too! There isn't even a limit really in all of this getting and doing. Sometimes I think I've lost sight of it all, lost sight of Jesus and the cross. Instead I've fashion Jesus into a little idol that looks almost entirely like my American Dream.

Come and die, he says. Take up your cross he bids. So that's what I do, that's what we should do. Whatever the cost, even at the expence of our own dreams. This is my heart's desire.

Merciful Father, give me the grace I need in each moment to come and die so that you may live through me. Let my life point to you, and not to myself. Forgive me for making you into a God whom I want you to be. Help me to leave a behind a humble story that merely points to your glory.

"For to me: to live is Christ and to die is gain." ~Philippians 1:21

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