Monday, 7 May 2012

To you Mom

If you could do it over again, I'm sure you would....wouldn't we all. If you could take some of those things, that pain right away I know you would. I often want the Lord to take away some of the agonising memories from the choices I made. I know you do too. There is some pain that is forgiven, yet it dwells deep, rich even with in our souls. The Lord has healed, but there lay the scar.

Indeed, though...dearest mother you are a butterfly.

There you were, just a babe yourself having a new born babe. You and that sweet boy. Two caterpillars together. Trying to figure out growing and him growing faster than you figuring things out. And that wisp of time. It goes by way to fast. And then two more are added...and later, much later a fourth.

And then it happens....the metamorphosis
Somewhere between the third and fourth: Jesus, He captures your heart again. From caterpillar to butterfly, you are a new creation in Him. He pours grace, and you pour tears and sweat and sacrifice. He pours love and forgiveness and your heart aches for all us four and more to know Him...to trust Him too. And I know this ache now too.
Mom, you trust Him like no other I know. Your hands right open knowing that, "if I was His, he wouldn't let me go." Remember, that's what you told me when I asked how you got through those years that my life was a lie and only you, and He, knew the depth of the truth. Heartache is what I gave. Grace and trust in Him were your answer.
Trust in the One who is giver of life and new life. Trust that God is bigger than my sin and mistakes. Trust that there is no formula for good children, but it is God alone who saves. Trust that in Him all things are made new. Trust that though dreams may be shattered, God's plans are even better. Trust that this life of mother hood, of a servent bent low unto him is worth every minute. Trust that opinions don't matter, truth is what matters: God knows the heart.
Trust that we are not to be our children's God, but we are to teach them to trust in Him....he alone is Savior.
I can see this now that I too, am a mother. I too, wish I could go back sometimes and do things over especially with that first sweet babe. But to do so would to negate God's grace, it would be like taking away the miracle of the butterfly. I know what I know now because it is he that handed it to me through you....and Mom, I will be forever thankful....
531. cartwheels on the beach
532. long drives to basketball practices
533. you making me ride around in the daycare van, me hating every minute of it
534. your quiet patence and strength to endure those hard years
535. all those sights you made me see in New Orleans that you said "One day you'll thank me." I do.
536. not being afraid to show your brokeness
537. all those crazy outfits that only you can pull off
538. riding bikes
539. homemade chicken noodle soup and bread bowles and mashed potatoes
540. watching you trust
541. moving me to Lubbock
542. long and loud laughter
543. silly songs in the car and me pretending to hate them
544. lingering conversations about life...and what does this walk w/ Christ look like
546. you, living on a boat with that handsome husband of yours
547. those big, blue eyes that can see right into me
548. you, mom are my very best friend
549. not being afraid to ask the hard questions and not hating me for answering honestly
550. speaking the truth in love
551. you, loving my husband like your own son
552. always making our 4 feel special
553. expecting me to work hard, to be considerate and kind
554. working together at Little Treasures
555. giving Beau away, that was the right thing to do
556. realizing we were giving up on one dream for a better one and not being bitter about it
557. we always had enough
558. beans and fried noodles and a vacation to Colorado
559. San Diego sunburns and short hair cuts
560. you teaching me with your life about Christ
561. visits in Nebraska and Germany: sweet memories
562. late night hoops in the drive way: hearing that tap of the ball meant we were close by
563. graduations and good bys
564. you always reminding me that basketball was a game...not who I was...
565. watching you sacrifice for our family
566. candy-less lane!!!

This post is part of The 1000 Mom Project :)

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Weirdo

Today at Wal-Mart, I was asked the dreaded question (at least is dreaded for this pleaser), "Do you home school?" "Yes," was my meagre reply and then I think I smiled and tried to look confident, but non-judgemental as if there is a look like that. Then I had this thought, "It's four in the afternoon!" "How does this lady know I'm a home educating mother?!!" Doesn't home educating sounds so much better than homeschooling?!

Anyway, back to the story as I know you're sitting on the edge of your seat...

You see, usually I only get this question if it's the middle of the day, but now I'm getting it at four in the afternoon?! YIKES! I can feel my face get a little red because now, it's official, we're one of those "weird" homeschooling families that you can spot a mile away because they are all the girls are wearing coolots and the boy's shirts are all tucked into their pants and are wearing an actual belt (my boys like to wear them around their heads...or to play, "walk Gideon"...but that's a whole nother post.)

I'm looking over at my kids, who just so happen to be sitting quietly on a bench right by me looking at there newly acquired Wal-Mart stash that they bought w/ allowance money. And who just so happen to actually match, not be wearing rain boots when it's not raining (Koen) or cowboy boots with athletic pants for that matter, have brushed their hair...and teeth, have clothing on that matches and seem to actually look, maybe for the first time...pretty "normal."

Yes, yes, I know "normal" is only a setting on the dryer...and even then I'm not sure what that means. Then, why do I want so badly to be that and feel so, ahem....ashamed when people notice?! Why can't I just embrace the weirdness? I mean I am really the only person that I know who to solve the lice/nit situation in her hair last week actually cut my hair....myself (well, Justin did help a little.) All. Of. It. Almost every website I read said that, that was the best solution...so enter the new pixi cut. Who does that? Me! Sitting down for another 4 hours to get all those nits outta my hair sounded crazier than just cutting it myself...or maybe I'm the crazy one...hmmmmm....

I'm not sure what all this means other than I care waaaayyyy too much what others think. This isn't a surprise to me. Finding my joy, peace, total acceptance, and approval in Christ is a daily battle.  It is encouraging to look into the Word and see, honest not single normal person either. Not a one. I see a bunch of weirdos. Even Jesus himself was nothing what any body expected him to be...nothing! What sort of "king" comes into the world in a manger and then ends up dying on a cross?! Only the Savior of the world, that's who.

In an article entitled "Discover Courage to Live Family Life on Your Own Terms" (found in Home Educating Family Magazine p. 72) by Rachel Denning of www.discovershareinspire.com, Mrs. Denning points out "Because His plans for each of us are as varied as we are. For some he says to go, and others he tells to stay, and none of us can be the judge of what the other should be doing. We can only determine for ourselves what His will is for us." And oh, how easily it is do to that... judging, I mean...isn't it?

And while, I don't agree with every single thing that Mrs. Denning promotes, I do believe that the crux of the issue is that I am alone accountable to the Lord and it is, very inspiring to see a family living so outside the normal box that it stirred a renewed conviction in me to find my acceptance in Him alone and not what others think because...

I have to "earn" others approval when God's approval is the exactly opposite. His approval comes through his son Jesus Christ and there is nothing that I can do to earn that....ever.

And here I am wanting to be something that God did not intend for me to be. But really, I'm not sure that he intended, those of us whom he calls his children, to be anything less than weirdos...for lack of a better word. :) So while you may not be a homeschooling, er...I mean...home educating mother of 4 with a newly dawned pixi cut, if Jesus Christ is the LORD of your life, you are going against the grain, for sure. And for sure, there will be some bumps and bruises along the way because of it!

But be encouraged... God does things so backwards, so contrary to how we would do them in almost every circumstance because his ways are not ours. And I can find trust, rest and thanksgivings in that...

519. dancing slow with #2 and him stepping all over my feet
520. little Gideon drawings in my notebooks
521. Jordynn's patience picking nits...and sitting still while I pick hers...ick!
522. finding just the right notebook for a friend
523. journey mercies: to TN
524. grace in the mess
525. quiet nights...sleeping babes...reading good blogs
526. God chosing the base things of the world....
527. challenged again, and again
528. wanting to give up, and remembering Who my children need and not just more rules
529. praying with my Nannie
530. Skype!