Tonight, there I was standing in that pizza parlor waiting for my nephew's end of the year football banquet to get started, watching my two youngest covet the candy and toys in the 25 cent machines when I hear this song. Funny now, I can't even recall the lyrics or the song even, but the feeling: that I do remember. You know that feeling when you go over the first big hill on a roller coaster ride? Yup, that's the one I was feeling.
Ironically, I was trying to listen to my brother-in-law who was addressing the team because he helped out all year as an assistant coach. Ben, my brother-in-law, has a very commanding voice...deep and rich. I was trying to focus on what he was saying...something about sports teaching us about life. Standing there wanting to listen to what he had to say my heart ached because I couldn't block out this song in the background and this sick feeling in my stomach telling me to remember what I was.
It was tempting, in that moment, to start to feel helpless and flog myself...again...for some of the choices that I had made, but instead I stepped a bit closer to the open room where Ben was speaking. Again, I step closer and could hear clearly now. The music was merely a muffle in my mind. I knew it was there, but was not shaken by it.
I have often said that I wished that when Christ saved me that he would have saved me from the memories...that I would like to forget who I used to be. But it seems that grace wouldn't be so amazing if I couldn't remember who I was before I was found in Christ...before I really tasted grace for myself.
There will always be these times when every once of my being wants to forget. As long as my focus is the Lord; the One who commands my attention I don't have to wallow in despair I can now approach the throne of grace with boldness through His Son; just move closer. I am now able to glory in Christ alone and remembering only brings songs of praise from my lips for His grace, mercy and love.
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14
361. journey mercies: to Wichita
362. my sister, my friend, my mentor; always pointing me to Christ
363. cousin time...again...in Wichita...Yay!
384. KU games in HD TV
385. hard bedtimes; then silence
386. silly made up stories
387. deep conversations
388. visiting my sister's church family...finally
389. a reminder that remembering doesn't mean dispair
390. Jesus: the solid rock