Saturday, 11 October 2014

Looking Back

We walk to school back in June to grab the kids from school. She walking next to me, lanky, not even a foot shorter any more. Thick hair down her back and I see it then: who she is becoming. I see who the Lord is molding her into and what a hard, wild ride the last year has been. Really, how many years have been for us. A struggle. And how I praise the Lord for what He has done in her.

I asked her if she remembered the day that she told me that she was going to run away and I asked if I could help her pack her bags. I asked her to look back and remember who she was and what a year with Jesus can do for the soul. She smiles big. There is sadness there for what used to be in us both as well as a love that was worth growing in both of our hearts that we would never want to be taken away.

A mother's heart will always be for what is hers, for what came from her, for what has been given and I feared and worried that we were some how stealing something from our biological children by bringing in other children into our home. All of the "what-ifs"...realistic or not...weighed heaving-heavy on my heart. I begged God not to ask us to do this. I told him that we couldn't...that we had enough on our plate. And what about all those horror foster stories?  The ones that everyone seems to want to tell you when you are even considering bringing in foster kids. And what if I messed the whole lot of them up? What if it was all my fault? What if God, You are not big enough to take care of it all.

Still, after all the angst, the Lord made our hearts willing. We wrestled. God Won. Thankfully, he always does. We thought it would be hardest on our first born son (second in the family). Many warned that he would be shut out because he was already the middle and quiet. We were wrong.

Spending ten years in a family. The only girl. And the only girl granddaughter on one side. To say it was hard for our oldest would be the understatement of the century. It caught us all off guard. She begged for foster kids.  She was the most excited. She wanted to share Jesus' love with kids that didn't know his love. And as with most of our "working out our own salvation"'s the working out part that is so much harder than the talking about it (or the idea of it.) Learning to share your family is a hard lesson. Learning to truly love, like Christ, is harder.

For a year we struggled together. It seemed, at times, that untruth would win outright. Asking Jesus "into your heart" is easy. Living that out is entirely different especially at 11. All of it seemed too much at times. Other times I could see glimpses of what the Lord was doing in her heart, and still my heart doubted that she was getting there. It was a dance of sorts. And my hope did falter.

But here we were a year later and she's smiling brave at me. I smile back. It is sweet relief to know that the battle will still rage some moments but Christ has conquered her heart. Difficult times are sure to come, but I pray her hope... her joy will always be found in Him no matter the circumstances.

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